On Friendship

Friends are a critical component of our lives. Without them life can become monotonous. We need them in our childhood, teens and adulthood. They not only share our joy and happiness but sometimes our pain too. The painful times is what separates the real friends from the superficial ones.

It is amazing how I have been friends with some people for 20+ years but yet I cannot depend on them. Taking stock of some of my most recent experiences in life, it is very clear to me now who my real friends are. Whereas it may be true that I possibly have a 100+ friends, but when it comes down to it, I can only probably rely on 2 or 3 friends to be there for me no matter what the situation demands of them. Funny how that works eh? Actually, I am not that surprised because dosti nibhana (proving one’s friendship) is not an easy feat at all.

I learned a lot of lessons from my best friend in recent times. I have changed a few things about myself because of him. I have learned to be selfless and also to put other’s interests ahead of mine. Much easier said than done, but all our lives we are so concerned about ourselves and our own interests. It is such a delightful change to put other’s needs ahead of yours. I am not saying totally give up on yourself, but incorporating a little selflessness goes a long way. You truly do experience a warm fuzzy feeling out of helping somebody in need.

It had been my life-long goal to be admitted to one of the nation’s top institutes for MBA (Kellogg or Chicago GSB). I put together my first application with a lot of help from my buddy Suman (not his real name). He spent hours proof-reading my horrendously written essays and he helped bring them up to par. He did this while he was preparing his own application for the same school. He did not consider me a competitor knowing full well that seats are extremely limited and that I may get the last seat robbing him of his glory. Yet he selflessly dedicated his time and efforts to make me as best a candidate as he could. Results come in…he gets in…I do not. I was devastated. I felt like my life long dream had been crushed and that my career was coming to a grinding halt.

On his beckoning, I did not lose heart. I got ready for round 2. I was not going to give up so easy. I never was a quitter. Even in high school, I was an extreme competitor taking part in track and field against all odds and managed to be the best in not only my high school but all regional high schools in certain sports (long jump, triple jump). This time around, he almost dedicated himself a 100% to my cause. Almost a year later, I applied again. Yes, you guessed it. I did not get in. I gave up. I was devastated beyond words.

I was embarrassed to tell him that all his efforts had amounted to nothing for the second time. This is where I experienced what Suman was all about. Suman was more downtrodden than perhaps even I was!

When I told him (dejectedly) that I did not get in and that MBA was not meant to be, he was very angry and upset. He told me, “Mushir, you are an excellent candidate, and you have an excellent application and this is just not right.”

That same day, he actually walked into the President’s office! I was flabbergasted. He stated his case and told the president that as a GSB student himself, he vouches for me a 100% and that GSB was losing out on an excellent student. The president promised to look into the matter. It turns out my application was not even looked at. Basically the 300 seats were filled even before they got to my application. But because Suman had approached the president and emphatically vouched for me, the president and the admissions council extracted my application (from the recycle bin I’m sure heh) and looked at my application for the first time and I got an immediate call that same day. “Mushir, you are indeed an excellent candidate and I cannot believe we were going to let you go. We would love to offer you a position for the following quarter. ” Silence ensues. I was so overcome with emotions I did not know what to say. “Mushir, how do you feel, are you happy?”. I finally managed to say, “Yes, I am very happy.” During those two seconds of silence, I re-lived the struggle, time, effort, tears I put into my application. I realized Suman was indeed a real friend, who did all this for me expecting nothing in return, and I was embarrassed that I was not even a good friend to him. I knew I had a mission now. Mission to complete my MBA successfully, but more importantly, mission to improve myself as a human and learn how to come through for people other than myself.

Nobody else could or would have done what Suman did. They would have just used some appropriate cliches like – “It was not meant to be.” Suman had to fight his own fear factor in walking right up to the President’s office, but the bonds of friendship gave him courage. Friendship does not discriminate on religion, skin, caste or creed. He is Hindu, but so what? I am sad to say that I do not have a single Muslim buddy who would have stuck up so valiantly for me. I am not dissing my brothers of course. I am just saying, we can learn lessons from good humans in general, irrespective of who they are or what religion they follow.

As if I weren’t already indebted enough to my friend but when he heard about the quiet storm brewing up between my wife and I, he came over to my house in a rush. He sat us down and talked to both of us. He pleaded with my wife to stay with me and not just run away. He was close to tears. I felt horrible. He shouldn’t have to go through this for me.

In the days and weeks that followed, he kept in touch with my wife via phone and email and he even broke down one day thinking about us not being together anymore. What a heart this guy has. He couldn’t stand to see us separated like this. This is a real friend. He single-handedly handled my issues, my wife’s, and even went as far as keeping in touch with my mom and dad giving them reassurances and courage that everything would be alright.

What can I ever do to repay this guy? All I know is, I am humbled. I know now what friendship ought to be all about. Enough with the charades and the small talk. Lets be real; are all the people claiming to be your buddies, really your buddies? Or are they fair-weather friends who will drop you in a jiffy should circumstances get a little hairy? Increasingly so, we live in a society where me, myself, and I are the 3 most important people. There are numerous Ahadith about how it is our duty to take care of our neighbors. Well those Ahadith look good on paper, but I don’t see them in practice.

I don’t expect anything from anyone. It is better that way. I do thank Allah for giving me at least one real friend, who will indeed stick by me, through thick and thin, dedicating his time and effort just to bring a smile to an old friend’s face.

Friendship…True Friendship…is a celebration of a beautiful bond. A bond that transcends materialism, petty differences, religious beliefs and a bond that withstands tests that sometimes even marriages cannot.

Not all of us are so lucky, but I pray that you be blessed as I have been, as it is a beautiful experience when an old friend comes through when you have lost faith in humanity.