I have come to realize that love means different things to different people. It is a unique experience and everyone has their own definition of what love is or should be. Before I describe what I think about love, keep in mind, I am talking about the love between a husband and wife.

Love is a primal instinct in me and I have been this way ever since I can remember. I have never attempted to describe what love means to me because I am not sure what I feel in my heart can be put into words, but I will give it a shot.

Love is a very wholesome concept that has to do with every aspect of our lives that we share with our loved one. It is as inherent and continuous as our need to breathe.

Some of us try to ignore the importance of love and some of us seek to satisfy it. As with anything, when we try to suppress something that we are programmed with we cause internal harm to ourselves, the effects of which may not be apparent to us immediately but has long-term repercussions. I will not go into the psychological effects at this point.

So how does love work in traditional muslim marriages when they are mostly arranged? I did not know how to answer this question a few years ago, but I believe I understand now. Love to most of us may seem to begin at face value – the instant you see someone attractive and you fall for them. That is only the tip of the iceberg. Arranged marriages are generally not about face value, it is about deeper values or rather the values that count. It is about the upbringing, the Islamic values, the social values, the respective families, etc.

To me love begins without words. It is apparent in the body language. The way someone looks at you. The unspoken words in a smile, the hidden message in the eyes. Love is just being able to hold your spouse’s hand and finding comfort and solace in that seemingly small act.

Love will certainly be put to the test through the rigors of life. There will be times when you are angry at one another, when one of you may really hurt the other either intentionally or unintentionally. No matter how angry you get at your spouse or perhaps even develop temporary feelings of hatred for your spouse, true love is when a single tear from the spouse’s eye is enough to crumble all walls of hatred and anger; and whether you want to or not, you instantly forgive and forget all transgressions and love them even more.

Love is about being selfless. Putting your spouse’s interests ahead of yours. Easier said than done, but get used to it, that is true love. If you are not used to it, something is amiss and you need to work on it.

I think we crave companionship exactly because deep down we’re terrified of that inherent loneliness that we know exists. Sometimes we don’t even let go of people who hurt us so terribly simply because we’re afraid of being alone again.

I took the above from Marigold’s post titled Alone.

She touches upon a good point which goes back to what I was saying about love being a primal instinct. The loneliness and the fear of being alone is natural and is fulfilled by the spouse. Is it a sign of weakness? Of course not. If it were, then being hungry would be a sign of weakness. The need for shelter or a home would also then be a sign of weakness. People who put up a tough front to show to the rest of the world that they do not need or require love are just fooling themselves. It is going against what nature intended. If this were so, Allah would not have made marriage a blessing for us.

What makes a brutal day at work worthwhile? When you come home and are greeted warmly by a smiling spouse. That smile is enough to wipe out all the worries of the day and prepare you for another tough day ahead.

I must also admit I have a pet peeve of the 3 words “I love you” being thrown around loosely. It really riles me up when it becomes a meaningless routine to be done once in the morning when going to work and once before going to bed. Those words have a lot of meaning and are tremendous in effect and should only be used when truly feeling the sensation that goes alone with being in love. As I said before, love does not necessarily have to be spelled out every time. It is evident in the way you look at each other, the way you smile at each other, the way you talk to each other, they way you stand up for each other, the sacrifices you make for each other, the way you put up with each other’s anger and tantrums, the way you run towards one another when you see each other cry.

True love withstands the test of time. True love overcomes tragedy. With elements and situations that arise in this life trying to gnaw away at the ties of love that bond a husband and wife together, the only thing that keeps those ties strong is true, real, unadulterated love for each other.

Time only seeks to strengthen the bonds of love that tie the husband and wife together. For every battle they fight together, for every tragedy they endure together and all the plethora of emotions that they experience together, they grow closer. The forces of evil have to try harder and harder to cause a rift between such a couple. May Allah bless all marriages in this fashion.

Love can get boring at times because you take each other’s love for granted. This is very boredom wither away your love. Always remember that Allah gave you your spouse as His Mercy and Blessing to you. Treasure it as you should treasure all of Allah’s gifts.

Of course the word love encompasses a lot of other emotions – respect, compassion, trust, loyalty, protection just to name a few. The four letter word truly represents anything and everything that has to do with the relationship between the husband and wife.

Have you ever laid down in a dark dark night looking up at the beautiful sky and the millions of stars? Have you done that with your spouse next to you? That feeling of momentary eternal peace and happiness you feel has a lot to do with the person you are sharing that beautiful experience with.

Love is when your wife is so scared that she holds on to you for dear life and you realize at that instant that you would do anything to keep her safe and out of harm’s way.

What then is going wrong with our marriages today? Exactly. Love is being put on the back burner and career, work and all things duniya are being prioritized. In the hardest working nation in the world, we seem to have fallen prey to its ways and we seem to have little or no time for nuances (sarcasm intended) like love. That is a pity. That is the beginning of the end for marriages. What good is this duniya if you are not fulfilling your duty to Allah? What good is this duniya if you are not taking care of your aging parents? if you are not helping a brother in need? if owning a Mercedes is more important to you than your own family’s happiness? What good is this duniya if you don’t do your part in your marriage?

Life has become too much about me, myself and I and this selfish, apathetic attitude is destroying marriages. “This is my life and I will live it how I want to.”

Are you going to be able to justify that statement to Allah? I think not. Those are very brash statements and it shows lack of respect and an absolute addiction to this duniya. We need to fight our desires and realize that life spent for the sake of others and sake of Islam is better than a life spent just for me, myself and I. I just hope that you or your spouse don’t have to use such words with each other. Anyway, I don’t think I got to the crux of what loves means to me, perhaps another post.

I leave you all with a du’a: May Allah help us all experience love and happiness through His Mercy and Blessing in the form of a righteous spouse and may Allah help us stay steadfast in marriage and Islam till the Day Of Judgement and help us fight all evil that seeks to cause separation. Ameen.